I’ve Got No Soul to Sell

In order to get a job, one typically needs a soul to sell–it definitely gives one an edge in appealing to “the man” you’re being hired by. If you’ve already sold it or never had one to begin with (like many people who move from California to New York), you’re going to hold far less cachet to your potential employer.

The reason management loves soul-buying so much is that it gives them the ultimate form of power to lord over you. You’re not feeling well enough to come into work? But darling, you made a deal with the devil that says in sickness and in health. You need to take a longer lunch break to go to a doctor’s appointment? Article 551 of your soul-selling contract strictly prohibits it. This is why employers love hiring relatively young people as well. There’s a stronger chance he or she might still have a soul, hence the real reason behind elderly discrimination in the workplace.

And so, if you find you’re having difficulty getting a job, maybe you ought to check on the presence of your soul–it’s the most valuable thing a candidate can have apart from Photoshop skills.