Being the Co-Worker Without Lips Affixed to the Boss’ Arse

There can be no denying that to get ahead in life, one must have especially puckered lips to bend down and kiss the boss’ arse with. Because mere “adroitness” or “talent” is never going to be enough to secure your favor with the proverbial person–usually man–in charge.

Most people seem to learn the value of this skill early on in life, behind your back it would appear. For it’s as though every child in elementary school gets pulled aside at some point and indoctrinated with the very real truism that to be sycophantic is to be a success. Most assuredly in the office. But when you’re congenitally more rebellious than that, preferring instead to take shits and do coke in the bathroom (the two are inextricably linked in these laxative-laced times) on one of your numerous breaks, it can be a real stretch to find the time to place your head up another person’s butt crack (that is, unless there is crack cocaine waiting to be snorted up said crack).

And yet, all your other co-workers are able to do it, so why can’t you? Maybe you were never taught the importance of the rectum by your family or educators–just how much it can change your life both in bed and in the boardroom.