Your Boss’ Mantra

The one managerial style that all bosses can seem to agree on is this: “I will shit on everything you love.” You enjoy coffee in the morning (even if it is K-cup generated)? I will secretly break the machine and pretend it just “happened” to malfunction. You love that we don’t do group activities like go to Beer Authority after work? I will make it a monthly requirement. You hate working with a particular co-worker on a project? I will assign them to be glued to your side for some god awful faux enterprise involving plenty of quality time together.

Who knows if, at some point before paying the costs to be the boss, the authority figure controlling most of your life was a human being? Perhaps they had some sort of Maleficent origin story that forced them to turn into this hardened little asshole that gets off on their splooge’s worth of authority. Maybe their dreams were crushed by a lack of talent or they were bullied in school when bullying was still permissible. Whatever the “excuse” for treating their reluctant lackeys with such thinly veiled contempt, the only takeaway at the end of work each day is most assuredly that this master you’ve cultivated is consistently going to shit on everything you love. Even what small solace you can get by going to the elegante NYPL on your break will be shat on–because you’ll probably soon find them showing up there too so they can suggest you read something frivolous like Fire and Fury. As if your brain needed to be further hollowed out with such suggestions.

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