Workplace Resolutions in the New Year

It’s best to make one’s workplace resolutions on the day after New Year’s Eve, when, through the haze of non-clarity (i.e. a hangover), it can be admitted that an acceptance of a lack of success is an ideal goal. None of this “I’m gonna climb the corporate ladder to the top, even if I am wearing DSW flats” business.

No, no. The office worker truly attuned to what the new year represents in the cube will understand that compliance with complete and utter averageness is the best way to get through the year without any disappointment–or an inflated sense of egotism. It’s okay to set realistic objectives for yourself, sure, like: I’ll only take a thirty minute break instead of an hour one after lunch. But resolutions such as, “Get promotion by September” or “Ask for raise” simply won’t make one achieve self-actualization by 2018, but rather, self-elimination due to crippling unmet expectations.