Work, Or: How to Suck Metaphorical D

If you learn anything from working corporate, it will be how to be your most obsequious self a.k.a. suck metaphorical D. While you may have sucked literal D to get into college or to convince your credit card company to lower your interest rate, you will never be able to perform actual sexual favors in the workplace to get ahead. No, no–management is after something they deem far more valuable: power.

Because sadism and control (again, of a non-sexual nature) is what gets boss types truly hard, you will need to showcase your willingness to stick their figurative cock into your mouth and suck harder than you’ve ever sucked on anything–even a Push-Pop–in order to convince them that they’re the ones with the authority. Kiss assery is the most obvious way (e.g. “Is that slit skirt Armani?” Which, of course, it’s not.), but what it really boils down to is allegiance and a willingness to partake in subterfuge. Are you going to be in the courtroom for having committed a white collar crime? Because that’s what sucking metaphorical corporate D is all about.