Trying to Make Your Hastily Cobbled Together Look Come Together With Minimal Time Before Work

There are many things wrong with working. But possibly the worst element is the fact that you have to be somewhere at a certain time, at the mercy of another’s will and conspiracy to make you look like perpetual shit. As anyone over the age of twenty-five will tell you, it takes at least thirty solid minutes of face fixing to appear as an acceptable human among the crowd.

Unfortunately, the requirement of most workplaces that you get there by nine (sometimes ten, if you’re doing the startup illusion) can really throw an extremely damp towel on your ability to prepare. Since, as we all know, hitting the snooze button–especially in the winter–is a requisite part of the waking up process, it really cuts into the time you could have blocked out to make your aesthetic come across as someone who actually gets a paycheck, rather than a black-toothed vagabond just getting by. But, strangely, this is what working makes you look like. I’ve seen way more attractive bums than office workers.