The Shrug of Excusal

Apathy afflicts at least 99.9% of office workers. The other .1% are either brain dead or depraved. Which must mean they’ve made it to management. As a result, it’s important to develop a system by which you can excuse your overtly insouciant behavior.

And what could be more of an excusing gesture than a truly silencing–damn near intimidating–shrug? Late to work? Shrug. Spent twenty to thirty minutes in the bathroom pretending to shit, but actually just sitting in the stall and contemplating your life? Shrug. Took someone’s food or spiked drink from the refrigerator? Shrug. You’ll see, eventually, you’ll earn the office nickname “The Shoulder,” but it’s better than being called something worse, like “Idea Man.”