The Hot Potato of Office Gift Giving

With the inevitability of the office Christmas party–and the imminence of Christmas itself–the adept ass kissing office worker knows all too well the importance of bestowing gifts upon the appropriate players in the petri dish called the intermingled dead dreams of your college years. While some would prefer not to play politics lest they play the game in a fashion more damaging than ameliorating to their career, others relish the opportunity to brandish their skills in the not so fine sport of parasitism (in this case, themselves enjoying being the non-benefitting host to their employer and co-workers).

For the non-ambitious gift giver, something generic, like a bath bomb (just don’t refer to it as a bomb at the office) will prevail. A little token that vaguely says: I care. For the more discerning risk taker in the realm of playing Santa Claus, tailoring the content of what you’re giving can result in some promising rewards, like greater leeway with how long your lunch breaks and “regular” breaks are without invoking the contempt of others. Of course, it’s worth bearing in mind that the favor curried by these presents (which you shouldn’t spend more than twenty dollars on) will only last until mid-January at best, as everyone in the workplace seems to have a short memory when it comes to alliances. Still, if you want to get ahead at staying stagnant, there can be no better lack of power play than plopping a present down on the various desks of your gulag. Just make sure the person receiving the Maurizio Cattelan middle finger snow globe really deserves it.