- God: though this position rarely has an opening available, when it does happen, you can count your lucky stars, because there is no job more sadistic or autonomous
- Guardian angel: mildly similar to being God, the role of guardian angels also allows you to fuck a lot with people’s emotions and reliance on your guidance–plus you can turn them from rich to poor again on a whim
- Mortician: You can start your own veritable sideshow by decorating and dressing corpses and charging entrance. Double for those who are secretly just trying to fuck the body
- EMT: Watching people die. For the person who hates people, this is pretty ideal
- Film producer: They say it is he who holds the purse strings that holds the power, and there has never been a more accurate a personification of this than the film producer, intervening at every turn with the creative vision of the director, screenwriter, actors and cinematographer to put his far more than two cents in
- Postal worker: We’re talking the kind that actually sits behind the window waiting to rip you a new asshole for not having your package completely ready. Nothing like taking out your own inadequacies out on others, after all.
- Writer: The second closest thing to God, you can make people do whatever you want on the pages of your what have you. Plus, you don’t have to talk to anyone face to face. It’s a passive aggressive’s wet dream.