Putting Yourself Back Together After the Tryptophan Haze

Is there any worse ordeal than getting acclimated to that American novelty–time off? Just the idea of having to readjust to “normal” day-to-day existence come Cyber Monday, when, yes, there’s plenty of work to do, but you just can’t miss out on those deals that are going to give you all the Chinese-made materials you need to feel whole.

And then there’s that whole tryptophan haze from your aunt or grandma’s (your mother’s certainly not cooking because you took a page from her “independent woman” status and decided to get a cube job) rather unsatisfying turkey. It’s going to really slow you down. It’s going to make you gassy and lethargic and wonder why they don’t just amend the fucking standard Thanksgiving menu for modern humans who don’t enjoy rest home variety fare (mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce are ideal for the denture set!). But you’re just going to have to power through the haze–they’re not giving you four major holidays off a year to see you can’t handle it and then decide to give you just two instead.