Not Noticing How Fat You’ve Gotten Over the Holidays While Sitting in Your Cube

One of the many hazards of working in an office is not just the blood clots you’re liable to get from sitting in your piece of shit chair for eight hours a day, but also the many “potlucks” a.k.a. foul leftovers people offer up at the office during the holidays. As yet another means to attempt consoling you as you toil away when every other country has more than one day off for Christmas, free food is more of a curse than a blessing, as this is a notorious time of year for getting fat.

But, because every other person in the office who has given up all hope on their life is delighting in the various non-thin friendly foods, you, too, allow yourself to let go–surrendering all sense of reason and self-control. And then you go home and pack it on because, fuck, it’s winter and it’s instinctual to eat more. And still, you seem to have no concept of how rotund you’re becoming as you sit comfortably in your cube, hence a drastic before and after from December 24th to December 31st.