Most Bosses Are Obsessed With Their Employees

In order to transcend to the arena of management, you have to either 1) be incredibly into it or 2) be the only one who has stayed at your job long enough to be promoted. In either case, those who take on the title of boss tend to develop an unnatural obsession with their employees.

Between monitoring what they’re doing and arranging unwanted happy hours so as to further bond with “the team,” the boss starts to lose sight of how creepy and fanatical he or she seems toward those “beneath” him or her. It’s especially unfortunate if he or she has nothing else to occupy his or her time (e.g. children, a pet or a significant other–fuck, even some kind of aspirational hobby). This is why it’s best for an office worker to drink as much Irish coffee as possible throughout the day so as to seem jovial and equally reciprocal to the boss’ fervor.