Interviewing Someone You Know You’re Not Going to Hire

After gaining the inevitable seniority that comes with staying at the same company for long enough because there’s apparently a mark on your head that makes you unhireable anywhere else, there may come a time in your “career” when you’re forced to interview someone who you vaguely recognize as your former self in terms of how eager they are to lick asshole for money. Sometimes, interviewing others falls upon your shoulders to filter out the riffraff before your own boss consents to deal with the plebes of the hiring of pool or merely as a result of having the word “senior” in your title.

And while these “candidates” are not bad to look at because they’re still young enough to not be riddled with imperfections, you know in your hollow heart of hearts that you’re not going to hire them. Not just because it gives you a sick pleasure to crush other people’s quotidian dreams, but also because they’re just so utterly bovine in their complacency already, and a part of you wants to shake them out of it by not giving them the cud to chew on that is a corporate job. The truth is, being a masochist for so long eventually turns you into a sadist, manifest to its full extent as you watch these overly hungry aspirants to mediocrity prattle on about their nonexistent achievements at NYU or some other such excessively priced university their parents paid for in the hope of getting a return on the investment of birthing.

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