Drinking Coffee Forever To Avoid Responding

In the workplace, the pressures of “coming up with a quick solution on the spot” are all too daunting. And many office workers still haven’t figured out a way to avoid the stress of being “a problem-solver.” Well, coffee means problem solved. If anyone should ever come up to you, whether you’re in your cell, walking down the hallway, in the break room–whatever–simply put your mug up to your face like armor.

So long as you always have a mug of coffee in hand to press against your lips, you will never have to speak, to answer for anything. Sure, at first, people might actually think you’re going to put the mug down–that you’ll feel so awkward just keeping it in front of you like that–but they’ll soon catch on to how committed you are to not dealing with any of their bullshit via verbal engagement.

Certainly, you might get a reputation for being “an odd duck,” but you’ll also never have to speak, therefore never be responsible for any wrongdoing. The mute person can’t offend. And you might get super thin from all the caffeine you’ll be forced to inhale.